I am a writer, something many people seem to think does not qualify as ‘real work’, and thus take advantage of my being at home to interrupt me any old time at all. This is especially true of cold callers who normally send me into a frenzy of rage, unless I’m feeling particularly mellow, when I like to engage in a bit of harmless fun.
Fun with Cold Callers – Part 1
Trrrng Trrng (very poor sound effect of phone ringing)
Me: (mellow version) – Yaws?
CC: Can I speak with Tara Moore?
Me: (tutting sympathetically) – Oh, dear, you’ve not heard then?
CC. Er . . .uch . . . (or Indian equivalent)
Me: We’re holding the wake now? Would you like to pass on your condolences?
CC. Uh . . . ah . . . (or Nigerian equivalent)
Me: Hang on, I’ll just fetch one of the rellies. Back in a mo.
CC: No. . .no . . um . . . I only wanted . . .
Me: To send flowers? How kind. Lilies were her favourite you know. Stargazers, in particular. Did you know the stamens are poisonous to cats? No? Well they are, so keep Dibbles away from the vase. And they stain your clothes too. Not cats. The stamens. Although your own personal cat might stain your clothes – it’s not for me to make accusations against the feline fraternity.
CC. Strangulated sound . . . (or Northern Irish or Liverpudlian equivalent) . . . I’m . . . ah . . . only doing an energy survey
Me: Energy? My good man, the woman has no energy. She’s dead!
CC. (doing vowel wounds) aah, eee, iii, ooh, uuu . . . sorry to have troubled you.
Me: You can still send flowers
CC. click …. brrrr (very poor imitation of dead line)
Fun with Cold Callers – Part 2
Trrrng Trrng (usual very poor sound effect of phone ringing)
Me: (officious) – Inspector (cough!), who’s speaking?
CC: (hesitant) Er . . .can I speak with Tara Moore?
Me: (snappy!) How do you know the deceased? Can you account for your movements between 5.00 p.m. yesterday and 7.00 a.m. this morning? Do you own a Samurai sword? Have you ever learned butchery? Stay where you are, we’re coming round.
CC. click …. brrrr (very poor imitation of dead line)
Try it– you’ll be amazed how good it makes you feel. Must go, the phone is ringing. Now, am I feeling mellow . . .
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