Scene 1. Ext. A field in Biggin Little-on- the-Mole
Phil-the-hat-Harding is peering excitedly into a rain-filled trench. We know he is excited because the voiceover tells us he is, as in ‘Phil is excited as he peers into the rain-filled trench, where Carenza is up to her kagool in muck’.
Phil-the-hat-Harding
Oooo aaaahr, Cretinza, is that . . . could that be a . . . waaaahl?
Carenza-the-sane-much-younger-and-female-one
****s sake, Phil, how many times? It’s Carenza! Yes, it’s a wall. The clue is in the bricks.
Phil-the-Hat turns and beckons furiously to the rest of the team who appear to be poring intellectually over a geophys chart. A slip of the camera angle reveals it is actually a copy of this month’s Fossil Fetish.
Phil-the-hat-Harding
Ere, lads, come and see this ere waaahl.
The team, led by Tony-the-Baldrick- Robinson, shamble over as fast as their collective age of 1004will allow. Tony peers into the ditch as the others crowd round.
Tony-the-Baldrick-Robinson
It is! It really is. It’s a . . . wall. Well done Cortina! Is it Saxon or Roman?
Mick-of-the-clown-hair –Aston (and really dodgy woolly pullies) roughly elbows Tony out of the way.
Mick-of-the-clown-hair-Aston
That’s never a wall, Crepuscular. This ere is a richuaaal site. See that there unidentifiable something. That might have been used as an instrument of some kind or maybe an offering to the Gods.
Phil-the-hat-Harding
Aaahr, Mick lad, yer don’t know yer tesserae from yer testicles.
It’s a waaahl, roih enuff. Finest waaahl oi’ve seen in these ere parts.
Tony-the-Baldrick-Robinson
Could it be part of a Roman villa? A bath house?
Phil-the-hat-Harding
Aaahr, could be, one of the waaahls.
Tony-the-Baldrick-Robinson
This is such an exciting find, guys. What are we going to do with it?
Phil-the-hat-Harding, Mick-of-the-clown-hair-Aston, Carenza-the-sane-much-younger-and-female-one (all together)
Do with it? What we always do, moron. Bury the damn thing, so some other prat can come along in a hundred years and dig it all back up again.
Tony reaches down and helps Carenza out of the ditch.
Tony-the-Baldrick
Hey, Carrera, fancy a drink with a very old fossil? We could talk about my days as lead singer with Kajagool gool.
Carenza-the-sane-much-younger-and-female-one
Dear Lord, put me up against the wall and shoot me!
And so say all of us. Time Team – have you no homes to go to?
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