Scene 1. Ext. A field in Biggin Little-on- the-Mole
Phil-the-hat-Harding is peering excitedly into a rain-filled trench. We know he is excited because the voiceover tells us he is, as in ‘Phil is excited as he peers into the rain-filled trench, where Carenza is up to her kagool in muck’.
Oooo aaaahr, Cretinza, is that . . . could that be a . . . waaaahl?
****s sake, Phil, how many times? It’s Carenza! Yes, it’s a wall. The clue is in the bricks.
Phil-the-Hat turns and beckons furiously to the rest of the team who appear to be poring intellectually over a geophys chart. A slip of the camera angle reveals it is actually a copy of this month’s Fossil Fetish.
Ere, lads, come and see this ere waaahl.
The team, led by Tony-the-Baldrick- Robinson, shamble over as fast as their collective age of 1004will allow. Tony peers into the ditch as the others crowd round.
It is! It really is. It’s a . . . wall. Well done Cortina! Is it Saxon or Roman?
Mick-of-the-clown-hair –Aston (and really dodgy woolly pullies) roughly elbows Tony out of the way.
That’s never a wall, Crepuscular. This ere is a richuaaal site. See that there unidentifiable something. That might have been used as an instrument of some kind or maybe an offering to the Gods.
Aaahr, Mick lad, yer don’t know yer tesserae from yer testicles.
It’s a waaahl, roih enuff. Finest waaahl oi’ve seen in these ere parts.
Could it be part of a Roman villa? A bath house?
Aaahr, could be, one of the waaahls.
This is such an exciting find, guys. What are we going to do with it?
Phil-the-hat-Harding, Mick-of-the-clown-hair-Aston, Carenza-the-sane-much-younger-and-female-one (all together)
Do with it? What we always do, moron. Bury the damn thing, so some other prat can come along in a hundred years and dig it all back up again.
Tony reaches down and helps Carenza out of the ditch.
Hey, Carrera, fancy a drink with a very old fossil? We could talk about my days as lead singer with Kajagool gool.
Dear Lord, put me up against the wall and shoot me!
And so say all of us. Time Team – have you no homes to go to?