Help Somebody Pinched My Eyelids

All right, I knew that sounds weird, but it’s true.  Allow me to present the facts. This morning, as usual, I applied a light dusting of eye-shadow to my eyelids. An hour later, I happened to catch sight of myself in the mirror and, guess what, the eye-shadow was still there, only it had migrated to my brow bone. Why? Because, someone had pinched my eyelids. I swear. I went to bed with eyelids, woke up with eyelids and an hour later they were no more. In a panic I phoned my best friend.

“You too?” she screeched. Really, this was just too bizarre. I had visions of the thief, a burly five o’clock shadowed man with a striped jumper, a mask across his eyes and a large sack over his shoulder marked ‘eyelids’.   I was breathless with the horror of it all.

‘What! Someone pinched your eyelids too?”

She is one of life’s screechers, so she screeched again. “No! My hand, dummy. Someone pinched my hand and left an old lady one in its place, with thin skin, blue veins and an-“. There was a perceptible pause here as she built up to the shocking denouement. “AGE spot!”

I kid you not, I had to go and lie down.  Two hours later, the palpitations were just beginning to subside, the perspiration on my forehead beginning to dry, when the phone rang. Loud sobbing poured out into my ear, followed by a strangled hiccup of despair.

“Oh, Taz, you’ll never guess what happened.”

“Someone pinched your eyelids?” I hazarded. “Or your hand, and left an old lady one in its place with thin skin, blue veins and an aaaa…aaa….aaaaaa. . .AGE spot?’ (Took me a while, but I got there.)

“No!’ The sobbing escalated into a full-on tsunami. “My husband. Somebody pinched my husband. And you know we’ve  been married for nearly forty years . . .”

I banged the phone down in disgust. Self! Self! Self!  Really, some people have got nothing to worry about!